Toy Poodles: The Silent Menace: The Untold Story of Bobby Tables

Owning a dog is a family tradition that dates back to a long time ago when families started keeping dogs around. Dogs can be faithful companions, warm your feet at night, warn you of intruders or pull you from a burning building.

Despite such a glowing reputation as "man's best friend", some breeds of dog have garnered a reputation for being unpredictably brutal, and dangerous. Thankfully a number of forward-thinking lawmakers have summarily banned dangerous breeds like the American Pit Bull, the German Shepherd Dog, the Doberman Pincer, the Sugar Glider (technically it's a squirrel but it's considered just as deadly by some Wisconsin residents), The Chihuahua (the puppies were found to be a choking hazard for hungry seniors who unsuspectingly confused the miniature canine for a popular menu item at Taco Bell), and last but not least the Rottweiler.

As every breed of dog that is potentially dangerous has been clearly identified and banned by visionary lawmakers in some areas of the country, those citizens can walk the streets without fear of being mauled by dangerous animals on the prowl. Many believe that if we can just get these laws enforced across the country, the number of dog related deaths and injuries can be brought down to zero. All dangerous breeds can be safely eliminated.

But does a recent change in policy at Home Depot point to something more sinister? The popular retailer of hardware, grills and discount software has recently reversed its "pet friendly" policy, barring the use of dogs in its facilities. Store managers were silent as I pondered calling them to ask for a comment, and I can only take this to mean that there is a potentially explosive cover-up in the works.

Consider the story of little Bobby Tables, a bright-eye'd boy of six who accompanied his father to Home Depot to get an eight-year-old copy of solitare and some wood screws. His father had promised to bring him to Dairy Queen for an ice cream cone that afternoon. It was a soft-serve delight that the boy would never have the chance to enjoy. While Bobby's father was busy perusing Home Depot's selection of table saws, little Bobby told his father that he was going to look at Thomas The Train DVDs in the $1.99 bin at the end of the aisle. That was the last time Bobby was seen alive.*

"I heard a scream, so I flipped my camera phone and ran to the scene. In case I could send a picture to 911 or somethin'," said Phillip Dittmeyer, the first responder to the scene, and this was among the grizzly images he captured:


Fifi, an innocent-looking wild toy poodle was left to roam the aisles of Home Depot back in 2003. The employees and staff would feed Fifi beef jerkey and occasionally paint thinner, to lighten his mood.

"He was really just a mascot for the stores. He loved the kids. Occasionally people would say he bit them, but there was never any proof - most of us just figured that Fifi was trying to help the kids get their fingers unstuck. There's a lot of dangerous stuff around the store," said the evening-shift manager of Store 117 who agreed to speak with us on condition of anonymity.

After the closed casket service for little Bobby Tables, his father Wilbur probably said, "You just never think of a toy poodle in that way. I mean it's not like it's a [expletive deleted] Sugar Glider for [expletive deleted] sake. People have to know about this, I mean I'm sure I could hold my own against one of them, but a kindergartener doesn't stand a chance. Where is the legislation to ban these [expletive deleted] baby-killing monsters?"

Where indeed, Wilbur; where indeed. When I attempted to learn about any pending legislation to ban the breed by staring at the Google search page, I drew a blank. As it turns out, there is no legislation being considered to ban the possession of these cuddly-looking killers. In fact, when I thought about going back to do follow-up interviews, I found that all trace of the incident had been erased from local newspapers, and had never made it to the national press. All that remains is the new policy that says "no pets allowed" in Home Depot, and when asked about the justification, the manager grew silent and would only say knowingly, just above a whisper in confidence, "Somethin' probably happened down south."

At first I thought maybe it was an innocent mistake, a desire not to spread fear and angst about what could be a fictional account of a toy-poodle related death, and not a plot to cover up the long history of this vicious white murder-machine. Then I found more evidence of the cover-up masquerading as a badly-doctored attempt to fabricate an alibi for Fifi.


Are we to believe the testimony of every suspected killer who says "i is innosint"? Do we truly live in a society where a brutal creature like Fifi can be allowed to roam freely in the aisles of other non Home Depot stores? This reporter hopes not. Echoing a statement on behalf of the fathers of Bobby Tables everywhere, "Dear God, won't someone please think of the children."

*These statements have not been evaluated by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.